Des Plaines

by Alan Manifold

26 May 1998

(to the tune of Downtown)

Voyager's down, and life is making you crazy,
You can always call...  Des Plaines!
When you're in trouble your confusion will double
If you reach Matt Ball...  Des Plaines!

Just listen to them ramble, obfuscate, perplex and mumble,
As your clients and your servers slowly start to crumble.
How can you win?   Your problems seem smaller there,
You can forget all your symptoms, 'cause nobody cares, there in
Des Plaines -- hope you don't have to call,
Des Plaines -- 'cause it won't help at all,
Des Plaines -- find something better to do!

Let me dispel the thought that experts will help you,
That's not why they're there...  Des Plaines!
Jane lit a fire just so she can retire
As a millionaire...  Des Plaines!

Just use some SQL until your data is corrupted;
They won't call you back because their work would be disrupted.
Stymied again...   Your problems seem smaller there,
You can forget all your symptoms, 'cause nobody cares, there in
Des Plaines -- you can call in for free,
Des Plaines -- seems overpriced to me,
Des Plaines -- find something better to do!

[instrumental interlude]
Des Plaines!
[instrumental interlude]
Des Plaines!

And if you reach somebody who will listen to your problem,
You'll find out they're closed and this guy just broke in to rob them.
At least he's polite...  So just spend some time in prayer,
You can forget all your symptoms, 'cause nobody cares, there in
Des Plaines -- don't waste your time calling,
Des Plaines -- you'll just hear stonewalling,
Des Plaines -- find something better to do!

Des Plaines!  Des Plaines!
Des Plaines!  Des Plaines!
Des Plaines!  Des Plaines!
Des Plaines!  Des Plaines!  (fade)